The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
