I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
