I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
