I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
