please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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