When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
