Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
