nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
