You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
