final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
