He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
