Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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