i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
