it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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