My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize