I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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