I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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