Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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