Kiss
Puke
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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