This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
