why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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