Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
