Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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