the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
