You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
