My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
