Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
