i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
