If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
