I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
