He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
