Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
