I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
