I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
