I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
