PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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