Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
