I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize