I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
