she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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