my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
