I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
