Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
