Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
