so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I stole a fireplace last night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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