any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
