Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
