It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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