So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
