sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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