My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
