Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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