I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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