Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
