So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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