Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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