It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
