I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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