Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
