Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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