How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
