Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize